I stopped making New Year's resolution several years ago. The process of self-improvement, of making changes, of fighting with oneself, of victories on one day and defeat on another, of judging oneself as good when one sticks to resolutions and labeling oneself as bad when one breaks those resolutions--all these are rooted in the desire of becoming something, something else than what we really are.
But what if we are overweight and stuck with the habit of overeating; what if we have been lazy all year around and could do more and perhaps earn a better living; and what if our lack of control over tendencies such as anger and greed, leaves us with constant regret and guilt? Isn't it wise then to make resolutions to change those habits? Certainly, there is nothing wrong with holding the intention to make our lives, and the lives of others around us, better, by giving up bad habits and taking on good habits. But when such intentions become a self-improvement project, then we run the risk of isolating ourselves into the little space of self-enclosure.
"If one has been observant, aware of the things around one and in oneself, has not just lived to earn money and have a bank account, one must have seen how little space one has, how crowded it is in ourselves..... Being isolated in that little space, with enormous thick walls of resistance, of ideas and of aggression, how is one to have space that is really immeasurable?" (J. Krishnamurti, The Awakening of Intelligence)
The "immeasurable space" that Krishnamurti refers to is where the impulses of ego, such as anger, greed and jealousy, have minimal grip on our lives. It is that space where we see desire as nothing more than a sensation that arises and falls away; we see anger as nothing but an emotion, which is experienced without creating a sense of a distinct experiencer. Nevertheless, we are bound to fall from the disengagement from these impulses, the impulses of human nature, which are all designed to sustain our separate identity.
And when we do fall from that space repeatedly, we go about setting ourselves a new set of ideas and projects, with the hope that such projects would return us to back to "immeasurable space," where our every action and thought is held in wise discernment. Instead, our new year resolutions and self-improvement projects tends to bring us back to that "little space," where 'i, me, and mine' dominate and becomes the only obsession in our lives. Our lives are then lived from the aggression of being better, not just from others, but of being better than our own perceived notion of self. Not only can we not accept ourselves if we don't have the perfect abs or the heroism mantle that we would like to see ourselves on, but also we can no longer accept others as what they are.
I have, however, given myself permission to make one resolution every year. And that is to bring greater awareness of all the times I give into the impulses of the self, and of all the times I try to fix it mentally by taking charge. I have gathered that if there is any 'self-improvement project' that is worth committing to, it has to be this lifelong commitment of honoring the space of "non-doing," and the space of "non-becoming," even in the midst of perceived failure.
No matter how many times I "fail," I am committed to taking it as an opportunity to return to that space of unbounded awareness, to that space of non-judgmental wisdom, and to the space of service, to my self and others.
Wishing you a Happy New Year!
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